Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Oh, apparently you can't swim in the dead sea because it's too salty. So:

I caught a glimpse of the full moon under which Sébastien FLOATED. Half a world away.

taking care, in the land of the free

Yesterday, the greyhound bus: chubby pimply adolescent boy next to me drinking 4 cans of cheap beer between Bellingham and Seattle. To recover from this experience, I risked life and limb doing contact in a massive jam. Danced non-stop for 90 minutes and survived. On the way home, I could find nothing to eat except a pepperoni stick that tasted like dogfood.

But I caught a glimpse of the full moon under which Sébastien swam, half a world away.

Monday, July 30, 2007

two dragons

Going over the long-tasseled sword yesterday, I had a temper tantrum. Yang Shifu, as usual, was driving me CRAZY picking on every single mistake, changing things (and insisting nothing was different). I yelled at him ("But this is what you taught me last week!). He laughed at me (No!). He looks amused when I have a temper tantrum. An old dragon laughing at a younger one. Later on, as if to mollify me, he compliments me on a move by saying "Perfect!"


Charming liar.

Saturday, July 28, 2007


In the dialectic of object and subject, where sits narcissus? He is both object and subject. This seems to be like the taoist no-no of being double-weighted. A kind of cancelling out of energies so that change and flow is no longer possible. Unless, like narcissus, the gods take pity on you and turn you into a flower.

Dancing as object. Dancing as subject. Dancing as the beloved. Dancing to the beloved. All these ways of dancing offer possibilities for giving and taking. But it seems when you dance as Narcissus, imprisoned by your own beauty, all you inspire is pity.


I should be happier. I did a showing of the first draft of my solo yesterday. It went pretty well I think. Some things became clearer. Some things remain fuzzy. People cried. They even laughed. I got wet from tears, sweat and saliva.

But I feel a sense of loss.

Like saying goodbye to something, someone you don't really know very well but that has been a part of your life for the past few weeks.

This is it for the solo for a while. I don't get to work on it again till the fall. It has been a process in which eros has been very present.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

the usefulness of eminem

It is useful, when you are pissed off, such as when you don't get a grant or people dont't text-message you, to listen to eminem really, really loudly.

Suck my cock, Vancouver (yeah I got one!) Kiss my ass, world.

Monday, July 23, 2007


Did not get a text-message before my rehearsal today. I considered just curling up in a foetal position for three hours. But somehow ended up running the rabbit-killing scene a few times and then running the second half of the solo.

It's good to know that when one is not inspired, there's all that discipline and rigour to get you through it all. But oh god, it's hard work. Thank heavens there's wine to be had at the end of the day.

Friday, July 20, 2007

making a girl happy

Yesterday, while waiting to get into the studio (amongst a crowd of parents waiting to pick up their kids from summer dance & theatre camp, sneaking a peek at Noam and Nigel rehearsing to Edith Piaf and a wonky Oh Canada - what must they think??), I received a text-message that turned my body into soft, pliable, molten, happy....goo.

Dancing was so EASY after that!!

Now, if only I could get one before every rehearsal..

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

desire & longing

Maybe that's the key to dancing without lacerating the body. Often it seems as if we dance from a place of longing. The body empty, filled only with longing for that capricious dance-god-lover. We are reduced (or driven) to being that dancer of the Varnam, OCDing about whether the flowers are OK, whether you smell alright, whether the furniture is arranged in the right place. But if we dance from a place of being desired, as if we were already in the arms of the lover-god, the body is soft and open and full. Dance, then, as if you've just been fucked.

No. Because sometimes that leaves you empty and filled with longing also.

Dance as the beloved. Dance to the beloved.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

the beloved #3/desire & longing

The last week or so I have been trying to find the spaces inside my body and dancing from the awareness of those spaces. Yesterday I realised I needed to let that go. Trust that those spaces would be there. Today I danced with the awareness of my senses - seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling, hearing - on the one hand, to be more fully in the present - in this room, in this configuration of dust, tape on floor, marks on mirrors, leaves on trees; on the other hand, to retrieve, from my own body, the memory of the beloved's - his smell, the feel of his skin, his hair.

I discovered the joy of dancing as the desired. Instead of always in longing. I danced with ease. The inflammation in my neck & shoulder disappeared.

A rare moment in which joy was NOT the source of all my pain...

the extended family

Yesterday we went to Adrienne's house to eat a dinner of braised bison shortribs. They were delicious. Then we played with her computer's camera.

I confessed to all, my phobia of all things arts and crafty. And about how stressed I was about accompanying Junhong to Camp Clay tomorrow. Adrienne, who has experience in these things offered to come along and hold my hand. I happily accepted. After Camp Clay we will meet up with David and we will all go and watch Harry Potter together.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


Yesterday I swam in the ocean for the first time this year. All the irritation I had felt the previous day got washed away. I love being out there at 3rd beach (though the picture is of me at 2nd beach). In the water, looking in and seeing the green of Stanley Park. The temperatures are different but the colours remind me of swimming at Perhentian.(OK, the water at Perhentian is bluer)

Later I got a massage from Vincent. But it was all for nought because I went to see Transformers with Junhong and by the end of the movie my neck felt all uptight again from having to brace itself against a two-hour onslaught of loud, giant robots.

On the way back on the seawall, we saw a Lamborgini parked outside Urban Fare. Had to take a picture to add to our collection of Junhong in front of Italian cars.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007


Even the pleasure of watching Shay Kuebler, Amber Funk and a bunch of eager dancers dance with youthful abandon could not assuage the general irritation I feel at the moment for the world..

I am in an addictive place at the moment. In a perpetual hunger. Hunger for certain people. Hunger for words. For a certain touch. Hunger also for being alone in the studio. Couldn't find as much studio space as I wanted this week and so it has been 4 continuous days since I was last in the studio alone. This morning I walked into the studio to do class with Nigel Charnock (THAT was fun) and suddenly that studio seemed so small. But there were only 3 people in there at that time. I had become so used to being in that big room by myself. Taking up all that space with my big giant self...

I need to get out of here.

Saturday, July 7, 2007


The muse is back. My offerings have a beloved to go to.
Summer is here. I will go to the beach with Junhong and smell of sunscreen and sea salt all summer

Friday, July 6, 2007

How to give without expecting anything in return #3

Finding someone to be kind to, however, is not as straightforward as it might seem. Last year some guy decided he wanted to donate part of his liver to a complete stranger. He had to spend months trying to convince doctors and psychologists that he wasn't crazy or with a deathwish. After going through a battery of tests he finally got to donate part of his liver to a child. His liver grew back. See? Like Prometheus. Organs do regenerate. And in the regeneration, you are transformed by the experience. The edges of your being shift. You become fluid.

For some reason this reminds me of Sita going through her trials to prove to Rama that she had been pure during her captivity by Ravana.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

How to give without expecting anything in return #2

It occurs to me that kindness for its own sake is quite a difficult thing to practise. Kindness is often a means to an end. Part of the currency in the exchange of emotions, chemicals, goods. But when all those things are stripped away, kindness actually doesn't cost you anything. You can continue to be kind for its own sake. Because kindness can transform you and teach you things about the edges of your capacity. But it takes practice.

Monday, July 2, 2007


I showed my solo to Junhong today. He said it made him cry.